Man vs. Machine

Feb. 5th, 2011 SOMERVILLE, MA – In a race sure to go down in history, two titans of Highland Avenue squared off today in a 1.5 mile sprint from Davis Square to the Union Square Market Basket. Standing at 6 feet even and weighing in at a brawny 188lbs, traveling on foot, and representing the forces of Good, Sam Feller. His opponent, tipping the scales with a dry curb weight of just over 3000lbs, driving a 2008 Subaru Impreza, and representing the Polish, Alex Wyczalkowski. Competing for nothing more than pride in an epic contest of man vs. machine, the two combatants took off at approximately 11:17 this morning. Unencumbered by such human contrivances as traffic laws, Feller jumped out to an early lead, taking the direct route and running the wrong way down a one way onto Cutter Avenue, while Wyczalkowski was forced to ask the neighbors to move their car from blocking the Impreza in the driveway. Wyczalkowski quickly made up ground on the Elm St. straightaway, overtaking Feller a quarter mile past Porter Square. However, the lead proved short lived, when a line of cars waiting to turn left onto Somerville Ave halted the Impreza’s progress. The two racers then jockeyed back and forth for the front running position, Wyczalkowski, moving in short bursts of speed between traffic lights; Feller, maintaining a steady stride on the sidewalks. The 224 horses of the Impreza soon proved unconquerable, when Wyczalkowski took advantage of a final stretch of road, uncluttered with traffic lights, and pulled into the Market Basket parking lot. Feller arrived a few minutes behind him and withdrew the cellular telephone from his pocket to make the conciliatory call. Much to Feller’s surprise, Wyczlkowski had admitted defeat! The overcrowded parking lot of the Market Basket yielded no spots to park the Impreza! Wyczlkowski was quoted as saying, “This is ridiculous man, I’m just going to come back later”. And so, Feller, of mere flesh and blood, defeated the machine and emerged victorious to rule the day.